"Having a baby is like getting a tattoo on your face. You have to be fully committed." - Ouch. Got that line from Eat.Pray.Love. starring Julia Roberts. I'm not really a movie person which makes me very choosy with the movies I watch. This movie is just so perfect for me. If only I have the time and money to tour the world and rediscover myself, it'd would be really really perfect.
A year ago, I came here in Cebu hoping to find myself, learn to be more independent, earn my own money, and enjoy my life in any way I want to. After all, every girl needs to have a youth she's satisfied to leave behind. I did earn my own money - a lot of money. I did enjoy my life the way I wanted to. I think I learned to be independent, yes. But I'm not quite sure If I found myself. Apparently, my life took a detour. One year is such a short time to enjoy. I mean, I was 20 when I came here. I haven't even gone home yet and at age 21, I already got pregnant. Certainly, that is not how I wanted my life to be. I am young and carefree, I can do whatever I want, and I don't give a damn. Probably that's why I ended up being pregnant at such a young age. I swear you need not ask what I've been through before I finally accepted that this is what I'm gonna be forever (as early as 4 months from now) - a young mom.
I never knew how it feels like to be a mom. Although I don't despise babies, I never had the patience of taking care of a baby. I remembered when my aunt asked me to watch over my younger sister back when she was still a baby. My aunt just needed to cook our meal so she asked me to be with my sister for a while. I was so impatient so I left my sister on the table. She fell. And cried. And I cried too because I didn't know what to do.
When I found out I was pregnant (which was just two weeks after I realized I did not have my period yet), I did not freak out. I did not even cry at that point. Somehow, I've been expecting it -- only that it happened earlier than I expected it. My first main problem was how to tell my parents that their 20-year old daughter whom they sent away from home to work got pregnant in just a year. I know it is totally hard to narrate everything in this blog because the story was too complicated.
That left me bothered, worried, upset, stressed, uncertain, and probably ugly. That was the hardest so far because I
didn't know what to do. Outside I'm smiling but inside I'm dying. Plus I have all this pressure from work, from the people around me, from I don't know!
Aside from that, I'm fully aware that my life will never be the same again. I will never be the same happy-go-lucky girl anymore because I will have responsibilities - to my soon to be family. I will be working forever. My parents will never be proud of their achiever daughter anymore. And a lot more!
I cried for more days before I left that feeling. I didn't want to talk to anybody back then. I didn't want to share anything. --- I only have Al to talk to, who did a great job in making me feel that I am not alone and that he will share every pain with me. Which he really did. And I'm grateful for that -- although there may be times now that we don't get along well with each other. But we try our best to fix the misunderstandings. God, we can't afford to be like that all the time. We've only been married for a month! I know we love each other. And our baby is definitely not unwanted. We dreamt of having a baby in the future. But it seems like the baby wants to be here sooner than we expected :)
Now, things are getting a lot better. I won't deny that there are punches and pinches from time to time. There are still times that I wish things never happened. You know, impulses. I just continue to believe that everything will be alright in due time.
At least I'm happier now. Happier than before. I've learned to accept the fact that this is what my life will be. And I'll just have to make the most out of it. Four months from now, I'll be seeing my little angel! :) And I know I'll be happiest.
A year ago, I came here in Cebu hoping to find myself, learn to be more independent, earn my own money, and enjoy my life in any way I want to. After all, every girl needs to have a youth she's satisfied to leave behind. I did earn my own money - a lot of money. I did enjoy my life the way I wanted to. I think I learned to be independent, yes. But I'm not quite sure If I found myself. Apparently, my life took a detour. One year is such a short time to enjoy. I mean, I was 20 when I came here. I haven't even gone home yet and at age 21, I already got pregnant. Certainly, that is not how I wanted my life to be. I am young and carefree, I can do whatever I want, and I don't give a damn. Probably that's why I ended up being pregnant at such a young age. I swear you need not ask what I've been through before I finally accepted that this is what I'm gonna be forever (as early as 4 months from now) - a young mom.
I never knew how it feels like to be a mom. Although I don't despise babies, I never had the patience of taking care of a baby. I remembered when my aunt asked me to watch over my younger sister back when she was still a baby. My aunt just needed to cook our meal so she asked me to be with my sister for a while. I was so impatient so I left my sister on the table. She fell. And cried. And I cried too because I didn't know what to do.
When I found out I was pregnant (which was just two weeks after I realized I did not have my period yet), I did not freak out. I did not even cry at that point. Somehow, I've been expecting it -- only that it happened earlier than I expected it. My first main problem was how to tell my parents that their 20-year old daughter whom they sent away from home to work got pregnant in just a year. I know it is totally hard to narrate everything in this blog because the story was too complicated.
That left me bothered, worried, upset, stressed, uncertain, and probably ugly. That was the hardest so far because I
didn't know what to do. Outside I'm smiling but inside I'm dying. Plus I have all this pressure from work, from the people around me, from I don't know!Aside from that, I'm fully aware that my life will never be the same again. I will never be the same happy-go-lucky girl anymore because I will have responsibilities - to my soon to be family. I will be working forever. My parents will never be proud of their achiever daughter anymore. And a lot more!
I cried for more days before I left that feeling. I didn't want to talk to anybody back then. I didn't want to share anything. --- I only have Al to talk to, who did a great job in making me feel that I am not alone and that he will share every pain with me. Which he really did. And I'm grateful for that -- although there may be times now that we don't get along well with each other. But we try our best to fix the misunderstandings. God, we can't afford to be like that all the time. We've only been married for a month! I know we love each other. And our baby is definitely not unwanted. We dreamt of having a baby in the future. But it seems like the baby wants to be here sooner than we expected :)
Now, things are getting a lot better. I won't deny that there are punches and pinches from time to time. There are still times that I wish things never happened. You know, impulses. I just continue to believe that everything will be alright in due time.
At least I'm happier now. Happier than before. I've learned to accept the fact that this is what my life will be. And I'll just have to make the most out of it. Four months from now, I'll be seeing my little angel! :) And I know I'll be happiest.
