Tired

I am so drained right now. I'm broke and I have a lot of bills to pay. But what worries me much is I'll be back to work tomorrow and we haven't found anyone yet to take care of Reiko while we're away. If I can only quit my job and take care of him myself, I'll do. This whole damn thing is now driving me nuts.

Yesterday, my husband and his half brother got into a fight with each other which I believe was triggered by this computer I'm using right now. I felt a sudden gush of fear when they practically almost hit each other. And I wasn't able to stop it. I just felt that it's not my job to do so, at the back of my head though, I could have done something to stop them. But hey, honestly, I could have just added insult to the injury if I did. So I was just silent the whole time while Reiko cried -- he got scared probably.

Ever since I moved to this house, I saw a lot of pinches and punches -- things that sometimes forced me to just understand. It hasn't been a year yet. Being here takes a lot of getting used to. My life before I got married was so different from now obviously. I used to be a life-of-a-party animal. I can spend for whatever I want because I know I'll have enough for myself. And I lived alone -- with no one to tell me what I needed to do. Living here makes me almost uncomfortable, if not totally. I can't blame anyone here because they live here and I think I don't have the right to interfere. I don't have the right to destroy the natural order of things in this house. Among all things, I feel like I'm not getting the privacy I deserve. And I hate it because I'm a very private person. People just come and go inside our room (which I think is something that they are used to doing) without knocking even if the door is closed. It sucks because even if I'm changing my clothes, somebody just budges inside which just surprises me big time. I mean seriously? Do I really need to lock the door for them to knock before they get in? It's ridiculous I tell you. No offense meant here. Back home, my mom tells us not to let anyone in our bedroom unless its very important because the bedroom is a private place, it's where you can be at peace with yourself. A bedroom is not a guest room or a living room where you receive guests. And I totally agree with her.

Just don't get me wrong, I don't have any problems with how people here treat me, they are all good to me though I don't really talk that much. Maybe I'm just not used to living with people I'm not really close to.

I appreciate it much that my husband makes me feel that this is already my home and that I am welcome here. I know that. But there are just some things that we can't avoid -- fights, misunderstanding, conflict of interest, or just plain boredom. And I honestly think that the more I stay here, the more I'll even get more uncomfortable. What is wrong with me? Don't humans have the ability to adapt to their new environment? *Sigh

I wish that someday we'll get to have our own house that we can call our home.