What is wrong with me?

Today, he told me for the nth time that he will do anything to make me happy. So I asked him, "Then why aren't you coming home with me for Christmas?" 

Maybe I'm just selfish, or immature. Maybe I just don't understand. Which I realized is true, I really don't understand. What is wrong with wishing and wanting to spend your Christmas with your own family? 

With the line of work that I am in, I can never afford to be absent for a long period of time so I was more than ecstatic when my boss approved my Christmas leave for 4 days on Dec.22-26. GenSan here I come! This is still the second time I'm going home after more than two years of being here in Cebu. This is also the first time I'm spending Christmas at home after 2 years. Plus this is gonna be my first Christmas with my own family so I'm super excited. 

The first time we talked about it, he agreed even though he was hesitant. Few days after, he said that he can't leave home because if he did, that'll leave his Daddy (not his father but the person who took care of him the moment he was born), his mother (whom he never really cares about), and his stepbrother - only the three of them on Christmas Day and he said that it'll be all too sad for them. Right, he is the bread winner of his family. And who do I blame with my fate? I married a man who's too attached with his family that he's afraid to leave them. I knew that. And I whole-heartedly accepted that when I married him. But it hurts. It's as if he made a choice between his family and us - I and our son. He chose to stay here and chose not to be with us even if it's just for FOUR days. Somehow it seemed unfair. The only reason that I'm still staying here is him. I chose not to stay home because he's here and I respected the fact that he can't just leave home to be with me. My family understood my need to be away from home because I already have my own family. I honestly wanted to live in my own house where I can do whatever I want and not hear people raise their voices at each other early in the morning. IT'S EXHAUSTING. 

I love him. I never pushed the idea of living on our own because I know that he feels he's obliged to be with his family. Now all I ask is four days so I can also celebrate my Christmas with my mom, dad, sister, and brother plus with him and Reiko. And sadly, he already made his choice and I don't think I'm ever gonna overcome it.

But if he feels and trusts that I can be on my own, then be it. If he's happy, then I might as well  just be happy too.